Vita brevis, ars longa.

What makes your heart sing?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. Morgan, what makes your heart sing? Shouldn't you be doing that?

I am lucky to have a job where I can live comfortably and not worry about where my next meal is coming from. I am lucky to have only had a very brief stint with unemployment in my adult life. But a job is just a job. I find myself wondering, perhaps prematurely, what my legacy will be.

When I go, what's left?

I haven't done anything. I'm not married. I don't have children. I don't have my graduate degree or my PhD. I express these thoughts to friends and family, and they look at me like I'm crazy.

"You have plenty of time" they say. "You're young. It will come"

Logically I know that I have plenty of time. But that also seems like an excuse to be complacent.

Last week, someone I had admired greatly passed away in a terrible wreck. He was an amazing musician, father, and teacher. He left a legacy. His influence will be felt for many, many years. And all I could think was "when I go, what's left?"

I have been so consumed with living my life as a twenty something...drinking, dating, making mistakes...that I've given very little thought to my future. It's something nebulous and ethereal. Five years time? Who knows. But the reality is...in five years time, I may not be here.

So I ask myself again. Morgan. What makes your heart sing?

Words can't explain the sense of community I felt with the other musicians as we mourned the loss of one of our own. Studying music with the same people for years makes you family in a way that simple blood does not. Words also can't explain the sense of fulfillment and the weight on my heart when I listened to the orchestra. When I listened to Schumann on the way home. When I sang Debussy in the shower. Music, music makes my heart sing.

Learning about the past makes my heart sing. Reading sources, analyzing them, writing about them. Stretching the boundaries of thought until I feel like my head will explode.

These are both things that I had in college that I don't have now. I'm reticent to think of the  future, and overly nostalgic for the past. There are so many things I would have done differently to get more out of the experience. I would have read more books. I would have made more friends. I would have been in more ensembles. I would have presented more papers.

My fraternity's motto is "Vita brevis, ars longa." Life is short, but art is long. That phrase has been weighing heavily on my heart since that talented musician passed away. He left a true legacy. His life was tragically short, but he lives on through his students, through his recordings, through the memories of musicians who lived and worked with him.

So what is my point here?

Morgan. What makes your heart sing?

Don't you think you should do it?

If all we have is this life, am I squandering it on a 9-5 job? Am I doing this "adult" thing correctly? Because I look at my life and I look at the things I want to do and am positively overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and passion. I just want to learn. I just want to live. I just want to teach. I just want to sing. I want to feel deeply and completely. I want my heart to sing.

The funny thing about funerals is they make you realize your own mortality. And I've decided that I want to live fully as long as I can. I will do something to make my heart sing every day. I will not waste time being sad.

I want to really live.

Vita brevis, ars longa.