Have you tried giving less of a shit?

I have a confession to make, and it's not really easy.

On any given day, at any given time, regardless of location or circumstance, I am convinced that everyone hates me.

This is not so much a matter of the seemingly ubiquitous LOW SELF ESTEEM that pervades polite millenial society, this is, in my brain of brains, complete fact.

Of course, this is not fact in the strictest sense as in "this is truth." It is fact in the way that this is how my brain processes all of my interactions. It's fact in the way the ravings of a lunatic are fact, meaning, fact only to them.

Obviously this gives me quite the struggle socially.

They didn't laugh at my joke? Must hate me.

Didn't invite me out for drinks? Must hate me.

Didn't book me on that show? (this one is the MOST FREQUENT AND MOST RIDICULOUS)

Must hate me.

Now, all this being said, I have a circle of close friends who I can usually rely on to keep me grounded and keep me from going off the deep end. However, there are certain venues that I won't go to them about, like stand up comedy.

I am firmly convinced that my stupid social paranoia is the reason I have a hard time making friends with and networking with comedians from other cities. In the same way I never got a date in high school with the boys I always had a crush on, I think it's this: My paranoia breeds utter desperation.

PLEASE LIKE ME. VALIDATE ME. TELL ME I'M PRETTY. TELL ME I'M FUNNY.

Which is just utter bullshit. I never got into stand up comedy because I wanted people to like me. I got into stand up comedy because I had an IUD put in and was a little bit drunk and on hydrocodone. Something stuck, and here I am. Stand up is something I love to do. Being good at things is also something I love to do. Stand up takes a lot of work! Rome wasn't built (or burned) in a day, and yet here I am, social paranoid playing the part of Nero, laughing and fiddling as I dig myself into hole after hole trying to figure out the playing field.

And I asked myself, recently...Morgan, have you tried giving less of a shit?

Have you thought about just writing what feels good to write, making people laugh because it feels good, and making friendships with comedians NOT because you want a leg up, but because you want advice from people who know WAY more than you?

Have you tried not giving a shit if they think you're annoying/attention seeking? Have you thought about maybe not giving a shit if they think your material is hack? Have you thought about not making everything a competition and celebrating other people's successes instead of being depressed that it's coming along sometimes more slowly for you personally?

Have you thought about fucking relaxing and realizing no one wants you to fail and no one expects it but YOU?

I'm realizing that if I could just give less of a shit about the petty, the unrealistic, and the imaginary, I'd be having a WAY better time. Because I didn't start doing comedy because I wanted people to like me, but I have made several wonderful friendships because of comedy. I started doing comedy because I have things to say, and the world is so absurd, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could share that absurdity with other like minded folks? I started doing comedy because once I started, it became as addictive as that hydrocodone the day I did my first 5 minutes at JJs.

I have SO much to learn. I am only a little over a year in. I am thankful as hell for the opportunities I've had to perform both in Chattanooga and out of town. I am thankful as hell for the support and the advice of the many more talented individuals I have met who do this every day. I am thankful for all of the missed opportunities that will eventually make me better. I'm thankful to be in a community of comedians who didn't question when I took time off after my mother died, and who welcomed me back with excitement. Anything else is just my stupid paranoid idiotic overanalytical brain.

Bookings will come if you put the work in. No one owes you shit except yourself: you owe it to yourself to put in the work. It's not that they don't like you. Maybe you're not ready. Maybe it's not the right show for you or the right time. Head down, shut up, keep working.

So here is the goal: Give less of a shit about everyone else; their opinions of me, their opinions of my material, or the imaginary bullshit world I create where everyone hates me.

Stop dwelling on things that are most likely untrue, and just WRITE. Make people laugh. Take myself less seriously. And do the thing for the sake of the thing: I love to make people laugh.

Give MORE of a shit about the time you spend writing. Give more of a shit about new ways to approach old subjects. Give more of a shit about putting the gruntwork in.

I want to directly apologize to anyone, even outside of comedy, that I've been a weird ass to. I swear it's because in my brain, you hate me for existing, or for wearing the wrong shade of lipstick, or for complimenting your outfit, or for liking too many of your statuses on Facebook.

Here's to moving forward, and giving less of a shit.